I was preparing the handouts for my fiction editing workshop at Willamette Writers Conference in August, and read up on a tip from Dave Browne and Rennie King that intrigued me: To make your writing more sophisticated, avoid participial phrases and “as” clauses; instead move your sentences straight into action.
Here's the example from Browne and King:
Ripping off several large, dripping hunks of burrito, she pulled up a chair to the kitchen table and took a large bite. As she chewed, she wondered who she was maddest at. Clark, she decided.
The doorbell rang. “Heather, it’s me!” boomed a deep, authoritative voice. “Clark!”
Spotting her favorite red silk kimono crumpled on the floor, Heather stooped over and picked it up. As she pulled the kimono over her shoulders, she said a prayer of thanks that the wrinkled look was in.
As her fingers unfastened the chain lock, she wondered how Clark had gotten her address. It wasn’t listed in the telephone book.
“Good evening,” Clark greeted with a small bow as the door swung open.
“The bug man came last week,” Heather said sarcastically, refusing to budge from the door. “I thought he’d exterminated all the pests in my life, but I guessed he missed one. A big one.”
“Funny, very funny,” Clark said, clearly not amused as he leaned an arm against the door jamb. “Now you’d better let me in before I start causing a scene.”
Their edited version:
She pulled up a chair to the kitchen table and took a large bite of the burrito she’d found behind the stacks of Tupperware in the fridge. Who was she maddest? Probably Clark.
The doorbell rang. “Heather, it’s me!”
Clark. It had to be.
Heather sighed, stooped over, and picked up her red silk kimono from the floor. Thank God the wrinkled look was in. But how had Clark gotten her address? It wasn’t listed in the telephone book.
“Good evening.” He made a small bow.
Heather didn’t budge from the door. “The bug man came last week. I thought he’d exterminated all the pests in my life, but I guessed he missed one. A big one.”
“Funny, very funny,” Clarke leaned an arm against the door jamb. “Now you’d better let me in before I start causing a scene.”
This has given me some good ideas for editing of my own work and that of my clients. Let me know if it works for you.
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Good examples, Jill. You're in good hands with Browne and King (Self-Editing for fiction Writers) who are among the best editors. I noticed how they revised your "ing" sentence construction too. I think these edits help clarify your prose and make it sound more literary.
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