Entering into the great puzzlement

Yesterday I finished Callie's back story. That's the last of the three. For the past four months, I've known what to work on next in the novel I'm writing. First there was Lola's story to tell, then Frankie's, then Callie's. I had certain parameters and I knew how the stories ended (the characters coming together for the first time in decades) but I had free rein to develop these women as I felt best and to give them all sorts of adventures (or allow them to tell me what adventures they wanted to have).

Now I have to not only figure out where to take the main story next, but I also have to figure out where these back stories fit into the novel, if they even do. I had no idea when I started working on them, that they would become major sections of the novel, but 80,000 words later, I think they must. But how? An architectural challenge for sure.

Today was my first morning of insecurity. Off and on yesterday I wondered what I might do when I sat down but it wasn't until I turned on the computer at 6:45 that I realized I had to just start at the beginning, read and rewrite until I hit the current moment again. I wrote much of this first 20,000 words last fall so while I have some good memories of it, I don't remember the details. And even just the first three chapters, which I worked on this morning, were instructive.

I still have no clue as to the architecture, but I'm hoping that will reveal itself to me just as the story does.

Ambivalence about winding up the story

For the last four or five months, I've been drafting new material for the novel I'm working on. It has been great fun because it has been loosely structured for me. Instead of drafting blind, I've been writing the elaborate back stories of the three main characters. I had to get each one from a starting point to the present moment of the main story. I knew a little about them from the main story and their interactions with each other and I had the wonderful task of sorting out the experiences that had gotten them there. Each time I finished one of these long back stories, I knew right where to go next--the next back story.

Well, now I'm coming to the end of the third story. I began the last chapter this morning in my early morning writing. I've a few things to sort out, a few scenes to write, but then this big task is finished and I need to both proceed with the main story and figure out how I weave in all the information I've come up with (I've written a lot--the three back stories are nearly 90,000 words, a novel's worth) and whether to use it all or sort it out in a different way.

So today I find myself ambivalent about winding up Callie's last chapter. I know that once I get back into the main story, I'll be fine, but right now, I'm reluctant to head into the unknown.

Getting started on a memoir

Last week a new coaching client came to see me. She is writing a memoir and had stalled after about 100 pages. She was looking for a jump start. I had asked her to make a list of the pivotal moments in the story she wants to tell and the ones she had already written, but what she presented me with was a kind of dhronological outline of notes of details she thought important to include and where she was in that outline. And no doubt they were important. But it wasn't what I had asked for.

And so we had a good discussion about contemporary memoir that is successful. The influence of TV and the movies on both fiction and memoir and the central importance of scene. And we set out to create a list of those scenes that are pivotal to her story, because they lie at the heart of the memoir, not only for plot but also for theme. And we discussed the fact that she didn't have to write them in order.

Like many writers, Carla was stuck because she wasn't quite sure where the project was going. She didn't have a clear idea of the parts, let alone the whole. And I reassured her that that was quite all right, that many of us don't know until several drafts in exactly where something is going and we keep writing parts anyway. Hence the need for a list of important parts to play with, draft, become a better writer with. That's the practice part of all writing projects.

It's got to be fun may not be true

Most exercise gurus will tell you that if your physical activity isn't enjoyable for you, you won't stick to it. Well, I'm here to tell you that that's not always true. I've been a regular exerciser for more than 30 years and I've never really enjoyed it. I don't like being hot or sweaty, I don't like sore muscles from weight lifting. I always feel like a klutz. But I like what exercise does for me: the endorphin rush, the virtuousness of meeting my commitment to myself, and the fact of doing my body a favor.

So I had to think about this when I was coaching a new client Monday night about developing a writing practice and I heard the words "it needs to be fun" come out of my mouth. And she nodded her head but I knew I needed to shift out of that. Yes, it helps if it's fun. But in her case, she's writing some painful memoir stories and we talked about her commitment and her determination to complete this project as more important than fun.

Then I got to thinking about it and realized that for me what is important is that the work be satisfying.   Sometimes it is fun. I solved a nagging problem this morning when I was doing my early hour on the novel, and that was fun, even though it involves a character who's pretty reprehensible. But more importantly, it was satisfying.

Writing every day is satisfying to me. Painting and doing collage regularly are satisfying for me. As Eric Maisel, my creativity coach says, creating is one of the most meaningful and satisfying things a human being can do. If you're struggling to keep your writing or other creative practice going, try thinking of it less in terms of fun and more in terms of satisfaction. How can you deny yourself a daily opportunity to be satisfied?

When characters do bad things

I came back Wednesday from a week's writing retreat. During the days, our group kept silence and I wrote and wrote and wrote. But since I've been back, I have written very little, even though I am faithfully showing up for my early writing hour each day. At first, I thought it might be post-retreat slump settling in early, but then I realized it was where I was in the story.

My character, Callie, is sliding into major heartbreak and is about to take a self-destructive path. Having been both of those places myself in earlier years, I think I am finding it difficult to keep enough distance from the story. Describing her reactions, her emotions, her behaviors is so familiar and so sad that I don't want to go there.

There's a belief among non-writers that we writers control our characters but that isn't my experience. I feel no more able to stop Callie from making these decisions than I could stop a sister or daughter or myself. And so I show up and write a little bit of it each day and try to soften the blows when my character does bad things.

Keep asking for what you want

Last week I was able to cross something off my wish list that had been on the list for 12 years: studio space of my own. About a month ago, my friend Amy forwarded on to me an ad from an artist looking for someone to replace her in a coop of artist's spaces. I don't always read these forwards carefully. I just see if they are on a subject of interest to my list serv and forward them on.

It was the address that caught my eye. 11th and Pine SE. That's only 9 blocks down the street. Then I saw the size of the space and the rent and I knew I wasn't forwarding this one. Not until I got a chance to look at it myself. I called Robin Urton, the artist moving out, and went to see it that afternoon. It was just what I was looking for and what I had been wanting all these years.

Most of the dozen or so spaces I've looked at over these years were too much money. Some I just called about and didn't go see. Some were way too far away or in a part of town with no parking, and I knew I'd never go with any frequency. Some were too small or in dark or dirty garages, not really studio spaces at all. Just spaces people wanted to rent out.

So every time I'd get together in a circle with friends and we'd make our wish lists, I'd put "studio space of my own." The last time I did that was on New Year's Eve, 2011. I had no special feeling it would happen soon or this year, but it seemed important to continue to want it. And now I have it. It's important to keep asking for what you really want.

A wonderful poem

The poem below was forwarded by my painter friend Susan Curington, a wildly creative woman. I loved it so much I'm posting it here. It comes from a site called Bentlily.com. I am uncertain of the author because of the way the site is set up but whoever you are, thank you.

APRIL 9, 2012

Don’t mistake creativity for magic

Don’t mistake creativity for magic

or the effluent of a big brain

it is not delicate or nimble

it is a show of nerve

they say if you run into a cougar
look him in the eyes
raise your arms over your head so you look big
and face him the whole time
you retreat

it’s like this with art
the beast is not your inner critic
it’s your weariness

it takes muscle to pin down the right word
and stamina to wait
for the flow

you will feel impatience stalk you
aching to collapse the tension
be done with it

but your creativity needs a hero
so stare down the apathy
there is originality inside you
slowly gaining steam.